Something literally inescapable, affecting us all,yet often strongly avoided in our culture is death,and thus grief. How can you cope? Several therapists from Family Guidance Center, with four offices inBerks County, offer their expertise.
The Uncomfortableness
“We feel ill-equipped to cope or help, so it seems easier to avoid or push away those emotions,” explains Toni Gerhart, clinical director for the center. “What we know is that by avoiding or pushing away, we often prolong or inhibit grief.”
The bottom line is that the intense feelings so linked with grief make people uncomfortable due to being afraid of death. This includes those going through grief and those watching others suffer through it — but embracing it is crucial to coping.
It’s important to realize that embracing grief does not mean we have to like it, Gerhart says, noting that honesty and compassion are what matter here.
“We can say to ourselves, ‘I do not want to deal with this loss, and I really do not like it,’ while at the same time reminding ourselves of what we know to be true and planning or coping effectively,” she adds.
She stresses the need to manage grief so that it doesn’t manage your life.
Society Says
“We are a culture which does not want to feel pain,” says Deb Kemmerling, a clinical therapist. “We are told to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on,’ and a loss is not that easily fixed.”
Parts of grieving are yearning to be whole again and coming to the idea that we will never be the same, Kemmerling reflects.
“A statistic I have heard working in hospice is that most people think it should take two weeks to grieve a loss, when actually there is no timetable,” Kemmerling says. “It depends on the person, type of loss, traumatic or expected, etc., and a better estimate would be one to five years.”
Ask Caringly
Employee Assistance Program Coordinator David Hildebrand suggests, “Ask the griever how he or she is doing.”
Hildebrand notes that remarking about how hard it must be in trying times, especially with reminders like first holidays without the lost loved one, may be very welcome and needed for someone in grief — knowing many others are not likely to bring this up in conversation.
Mentioning specific happy memories tied to the person who has died is also a good idea, Hildebrand adds, giving not just attention to loss but also gratitude. Feeling even remotely understood and cared for in this way can mean an incredible amount to someone dealing with loss well after a death.
Group Talks
“Berks County has many grief support groups and some for specific purposes, such as GRASP for Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing and SudSpirit for Sudden Unexpected Death of a Spouse,” Hildebrand says.
He recommends checking out different support groups a few times, as each have their own personality and approach.
A newer concept called “death cafes” (deathcafe.com) has popped up since 2011. Hosted in more than 50 countries, these get-togethers are groups meeting for open discussions of death, and Gerhart agrees that they’re a helpful resource.
A concept called “continuing bonds” involves the understanding that a relationship with a lost loved one does not end; instead, the dynamic of the connection changes. Gerhart says exploring how to contain the crisis of loss through this approach can be very healthy for some people. Journaling or writing letters to those who’ve passed on to express any unsaid words or just to feel closer to them when you miss them, talking to them when compelled to connect with them or sharing stories and memories of them with others who were also close to them are some examples of this.
