Some of us are nearly built to be agreeable, saying “yes” to taking on more responsibilities in one way or another. Yet sometimes an amiable “no” is needed for our own sanity. If we’re not at ease with that, the “why” is well worth exploring.
What We’re Not Always Consciously Considering
Regarding her initial thoughts on the need to say “no” perhaps more often than we do in our culture, licensed clinical social worker Renee McClure of Anam Cara Farm, LLC, in Amity Township says, “We need to be more conscious about why we don’t.”
Anam Cara Farm focuses on life coaching for teen girls, young adult women and their parents, with a specialization in anxiety.
“I think most of us have a hard time saying ‘no’ due to a fear of not being liked, not being a team player, or a fear of missing out,” McClure says.
Worry of not being accepted and instead being rejected even in brief minutes is commonly at the core of a “yes” versus a “no” response.
How We Were Raised
David Knotts, a licensed psychologist with Springfield Psychological in Spring Township, points out a value-oriented tie to how children were raised decades ago.
“Parents today are the children of the parents who grew up in the 1960s,” he says. “Part of our socialization was to be obedient, helpful children, with this obviously going into adulthood,” Knotts says. “And part of that is about complying with other people, being helpful and pleasant, not causing problems and the like.”
Knotts reflects on his own childhood.
“I was raised to say, ‘Yes sir,’ ‘No sir,’ and not to say ‘no’ to my parents,” he explains. “When we get into a relationship, the things we’re expected to do are somehow counter to what we believe or hope, and so a lot of people get lost.”
He teaches his patients to move their way into to more levelized thinking.
“I help people recover the power to say ‘no’ when they need to, to say ‘yes’ when appropriate and to know the difference,” Knotts says.
“Expectations have a big part in our ability to say ‘no,’” McClure says. “What it comes down to is our own expectations — how will we be seen if we say ‘no’? Will I lose an opportunity if I say ‘no’? Will they be disappointed in me if I say ‘no’? If we don’t have a good awareness of why we are saying ‘yes,’ we can quickly get overwhelmed and resentful.”
Changing Our Responses
McClure suggests slowing down to be more conscious of the decision-making process in the moment and to evaluate whether agreeing to or with something is in your best interest.
“If people see themselves as loving, caring and helpful, to say ‘no’ almost rubs them the wrong way,” Knotts says. “To say ‘no’ is kind of foreign to them. That’s why a lot of times, I like to go with ‘maybe’ — that’s kind of like a nice half-step.”
And the more we practice saying “no,” either directly or in an open-ended approach, the more we build confidence and become comfortable with saying it.
“Saying ‘no’ to another person isn’t personal,” McClure says. “It is about us being truthful in what we can, want and need to do.”
